How do I cope with being in love with an older man
For a year or two now I have a very interesting toeing the lines relationship with a man much older than myself. We are compatible on about a bajillion levels, aside from him making me fluttery in my stomach and hot in other areas. I've been with plenty of guys before (both my own age and older) but none of this has compared to the way I feel about him.
The problem is, he's about twenty years older than I am. From what I've observed, this is social taboo for anyone who isn't marrying for money or fame by proxy. Is it worthwhile trying to pursue this? He's been married before (and has a daughter, who, awkwardly, is older than I am), and has dated plenty of women between my age and his own, so I don't think this is just the novelty of a younger girl to him. I guess it's what you'd call a May December relationship.
He's good for me on the level that he's helped me break out of my shell some and learn to communicate better. I just don't know if it will feasibly work on other levels. What do you think, AskMeFi? Does this have a chance? I really, really care for this man, but how hard is society going to make it for me to pursue this? Any anecdotal advice would be superb.
posted by anonymous to human relations (26 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
My new girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. We've been living together for a year now,
tods scarpe, and it's the best relationship I've had, out of many. Don't worry about the age.
posted by growabrain at 10:23 PM on January 24, 2008
Me too. I'm 42, she's 25. (and he's 43,
timberland, but this is an age thread, not a poly one.)
Age doesn't have to be a problem.
posted by baylink at 10:27 PM on January 24, 2008 [3 favorites]
My uncle had long term girlfriend who was in college when they met (and a few years younger than his eldest daughter). It was no big deal. People will notice, but an older man/younger woman is pretty commonplace. Older woman/younger man is what people might get mean about.
posted by cali at 10:33 PM on January 24, 2008
As another data point, close friends are happy in a similar circumstance.
You'll probably get
**** about it from somewhere in the family /friends / jerks in public sphere, but a happy relationship is certainly worth that.
posted by oblio_one at 10:48 PM on January 24,
scarpe hogan donna, 2008
Uh, I need to know how old YOU are first. There will be drastically different answers if you're 18 vs. 40.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:58 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
Love isn't mathematical. Go for it.
On preview: Uh, unless as the previous commenter worries,
moncler outlet, you're really young. In which case, please lead a very happy fantasy life. Yay.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:33 PM on January 24, 2008
I know someone who married someone who was maybe . very late 40's or early 50's . when she was about 30. Her parents had trouble with it, now they're fine with it since they see how in love she is. They just had a kid, and the dad is sometimes like a grumpy grandpa toward the 3 year old but also sometimes quite playful. The dad is at retirement age and wanting to move to Mexico, while she is looking at schools and neighborhoods for a child. And the dad recently had some rather serious health problems that were quite scary for all of them having two dependents has made getting used to the idea of his own mortality a bit more stressful.
All that said, they have an amazing love each other that even near strangers like myself can clearly see. So, I say go for it if you think you can handle stresses like those listed above.
posted by salvia at 11:53 PM on January 24, 2008
I've been in a relationship with someone far older, and I wrote about it earlier. Prior to meeting him, I had dated guys my age who were always asking me to buy their beer and falling asleep on my couch. But he was the first true gentleman I ever dated. the first person to ever treat me like a lady. It was my first grown up relationship and it was really a big growth experience. It was really difficult for me at first because I was VERY ageist. I'd imagine what everyone else was thinking when they saw us together. But then every time I'd see him thinking I was going to break it off, he'd make me laugh and I'd think he was cute. So I'd say to myself,
timberland outlet, "Okay, well, maybe next time." And we ended up dating for 7 years. We did break up a few times during our relationship. often because of age or cultural issues. Sometimes he would get insecure and jealous that I was going to cheat on him with a younger guy (I wasn't) or I would worry about what people thought about me dating an old guy. when who cares? (I mean, I was in a happier relationship than many of my friends!) While I wasn't dating him, I'd go out with men my own age and I would spend most of the time missing all of the rare qualities he had going for him that they didn't. He may have been older but I began to realize that he had more life and energy in him than anyone else. In many ways, knowing him made me a better person.
A few years ago I moved away and he moved back to his home country, but I'm very very thankful for the relationship even though it wasn't traditional. My only regret is that we both spent so much time worrying about the age difference and letting our individual fears get between us sometimes. If we hadn't, we might've actually ended up really happy together. Who knows. I still miss him sometimes. We were a really great couple in some ways. (In other ways, he was a pain in the ass. But hey, that's normal.)
So my advice to you is. if you are drawn to this person and he's drawn to you? Go for it. Don't overthink. Life is short. Just enjoy.
**** everyone else, be responsible for your own happiness. Don't let age be a factor if you really have feelings. Embrace them and be good to eachother.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:21 AM on January 25, 2008 [2 favorites]
BTW, one thing I found out. I hid the relationship from a lot of people at first because I was scared of being judged. But when I finally introduced my friends to him? THEY LIKED HIM. They actually thought he was cute. And I thought my mom was going to get all upset but she ended up confessing that she was jealous that she'd never been in a relationship as fun as ours was. You just never know.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:24 AM on January 25, 2008
Ohhhh yeah, but on preview? If you're really young then that's a different story. Being really young and pursuing a relationship with an older man is a WAAAAY different situation than what I went through. Because I was 29 when I was dating him. it wasn't a father thing,
hogan, nor was he cradle robbing. We were both mature adults. And yet it was STILL tough.
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