Violent Communication Can Change Your Life
What is NVC?Non violent communication (NVC) is about being empathic,
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First, you have to know that we live in a world of jackals. This is the term used by Marshall Rosenberg, the father of non violent communication. Jackals communicate violently because they don't know how to do it better. Your mother could be a jackal too (sorry):
The first comment makes you feel bad because your mother is judging you, and you can take it as an attack. The second one expresses facts, feelings and needs. You cannot argue over these, they only encourage you to resolve the conflict.
Self empathy: What is Really Wrong With Me,
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In order to speak in a non violent way, you need self empathy. That is, you need to ask you WHAT you feel and WHY. Feelings and needs.
Only then, you can talk using facts, feelings and needs. So instead of saying something like "You don't know how to clean the carpet!", you say: "It frustrates me [a feeling] seeing you cleaning the carpet using that product [a fact, not an opinion] because I need things to be according to my standards [a need]." Or something along these lines.
Once you now what you feel and why,
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Everytime I answered this question, I tried to keep digging:
"I feel frustrated because I need to finish what I planned today. Wait. I actually need that because I actually have a need to improve my skills. But,
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Now you know what's causing you to feel a certain way and you can do something about it. Next time maybe you won't be so hard on yourself or realize that there's no point in feeling a certain way,
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You can break a lot of established thought patterns in your head. I certainly did,
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Exercise: Think about a particular situation; an argument with your father, or a friend. How does this make you feel? Why do you feel like that? What do you really need?
Empathy: Put Your Giraffe's Ears
Giraffes are the animal with the biggest heart. They only hear "thank you" and "please" from other people's mouths. See what I mean:
Your wife: "You spend too much time at work!"
With your giraffe's ears on: "Please, can you spend more time with me?"
Then, you can say: "I see, so you would like to spend more time with me?". (Maybe you are wrong assuming that, but hey, you're empathizing. You just try to connect with your wife and understand her).
If you train yourself to hear "thank you" and "please", you'll certainly live a happier and more compassionate life.
"You may have read a great deal, be capable of great arguments and of solving problems, but the problem solving mind is not the intelligent mind. Intelligence comes with compassion,
mulberry udsalg, with love. And when that intelligence is an action of compassion it is global,
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More on NVC
Practicing non violent communication actually takes guts, because we feel that expressing our needs is a sign of weakness. But this is the only way we can resolve our conflicts without fighting.
In addition, it sounds very unnatural at first to talk the facts, feelings and needs language but it is very advisable to start this way to train our brain, it is like learning a second language.
Watch and listen to Marshall Rosenberg in this workshop if you want to learn more in a very practical way.
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